Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Oct 8, 2016 9:55:42 GMT -8
Yuka Layton – Personal Log
I usually do not do this sort of thing but after being here for a while now I figure putting my thoughts down on “paper” may help me reflect on all that has gone on here. Ever since arriving in this world I’ve wondered why things are so chaotic… This is the nature of humanity I guess as even in my place and time it was still like this and that is depressing… With all this progress you think war would have been eliminated… I wonder what Julian would think of this place… The only regret I really have is leaving him behind; I’m in a completely foreign place yet I don’t even miss my adoptive family; even if they were not really a part of my life the realization they are gone is a hard one yet I find myself more concerned with Julian than anyone else. That is love for you I guess.
I also find my new “partner” if you could call him that interesting; whoever thought assigning me as a pilot was a good idea when I have no background in that I feel was not very smart… Poor RINZ does everything and I’m just along for the ride basically. I feel kind of useless here hopefully I can find some kind of meaning before I end up doing something stupid or regrettable… So many disjointed thoughts; I should do this more often.
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Oct 21, 2016 11:54:15 GMT -8
Yuka Layton – Personal Log
Dr. Petell who is the ships surgeon asked me to come down to Sickbay so he could look at my eye. On Earth I was seeing a rehabilitation person to help me learn to use my left eye again but this ship does not have anyone like that so I guess the normal medical staff will be doing it. Anyway when I arrived Dr. Petell was not there so the new Chief Medical Officer helped me; I believe his name is Hax Saw... His parents must be so proud with a name like that... Sounds like a serial killer to me... But yeah; he said the eye is working just fine. I wonder if I will ever regain full function of the eye and the muscles around it... I stopped using it for so long that I don't know if anyone can really do anything about it.
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Nov 14, 2016 11:21:56 GMT -8
May 4th 4566
Yesterday was such a weird day… RINZ is given a body, the ships AI apparently has a crush on me… I do not even understand how that is possible but whatever… RINZ and I also had a pretty fun night… I like him having a human form now but I wonder if our duties will get in the way of things. Most of the people here do not seem to socialize too much; not that this is a bad thing but I have only met a handful of the crew… It is a small ship but still like you would expect people to do more together.
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Nov 30, 2016 14:21:40 GMT -8
Yuka Layton – Personal Log May 9th 4566
I’ve finally got to the point where I am wondering if what I am doing is right; I do not know if it has something to do with the Captain’s e-mails or the fact that I’m supposed to be teaching RINZ not sleeping with him. I mean it is not like I am actually cheating on anyone because Julian is long dead… The new diplomatic officer is nice; a pity I did not meet her sooner… Along with that I wonder if I have a sadistic side; I was shot at but I went overboard… This ship does not have a counselor and I know the medical staff probably would not understand what I am going through as they are all men and seem to not have anything in common with me… The Captain means well but she acts too much like a parent; I don’t want to talk to her about my problems… I wish there was someone else on this ship I trusted enough to confide in…
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Jan 26, 2017 1:57:06 GMT -8
Yuka Layton – Personal Log June 17th 4566
I do not even remember the last time I did one of these… I think it was when I first met Jeane… Now I find myself in a whole other set of problems. I have my depression like normal but the feeling like no one cares is even stronger… Except… It’s not true… This is all so confusing… Over the last few weeks I have started learning more about how to be a proper member of Delta Force and AMC… I’ve made some friends, read a lot about this places history and I think I have grown even if I’m still prone to my self-defeating tendencies… RINZ is also talking to me again too… It is like I said above… no caring is not true; it took me being hit last night to realize that. Could all of this really just be coming from me feeling like Jeane rejected me… I don’t think so… I wish this ship had a psychiatrist… Even my thoughts are all disjointed as hell…
I’m going to be commanding my first operation; even as the ships mech leader I’ve never had anyone under me… I’m actually going to responsible for people… This isn’t like Student Council like… Their lives- will be in my hands-. Yuji-sensi I wish you were here to advise me… You are the only good thing my family did for me except send me to Sophez… My first instructor… You taught me everything I know about protecting myself and even proper etiquette… You said you use to work in the army so I know you would know what to do… It’s like I’m alone even when I’m not… At least people can’t access these logs without medical or security’s permission… People won’t know how much of a truly insane soul I am… I just hope I don’t get anyone killed…
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Feb 15, 2017 23:37:51 GMT -8
Yuka Layton Personal Log June 19th 4566
Everyone survived and I managed to even get some reading in… but now as we are leaving the planet they tell me I am going to be commanding this ship… I was trying to talk to RINZ about it but he Is ignoring me again… This is so stupid… Why me… it’s not that… I feel I’ll fail it’s that… I’m not ready… Jeane only just like… We had a fun day together and I tried to spend more time with RINZ… I talk with a lot of the people on the ship but I feel like I don’t connect with anyone. The Captain… er… Sophie now I guess… She… said… that I should have faith in the crew to help me learn but how can I do that when I don’t even trust myself. I wish Yuji and Julian where here…
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Feb 19, 2017 12:27:11 GMT -8
I got some things on my mind so I figured I'd use this to put those out into the air. This sort of came to mind when I helped RINZ... Like my purpose here is becoming more... purposeful... in that I mean I want to help save some people and do some good in the world. I would hope everybody would feel like that but thinking that would be naïve and so I guess that's why I was sent here. I guess them giving me this shit had something to do with that too because I really had to think about what the hell I'm really doing here... people need someone to count on and even though I'm not exactly the best candidate for that at least I have stood up to the call... would that make me a good person? It's going to sound cliché because I wonder this a lot but how would Julian see my progress here... I jump from happy to depressed then to angry so easily still... I think it's getting better though. I wish my biological parents didn't die but then I wouldn't be the person I am today... would I... I've got an addiction to wanting to cuddle though... Maybe a pet or a giant stuffed bear... bears are so much less maintenance... heh... I'm going to stop recording this now.
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Mar 1, 2017 14:39:42 GMT -8
Yuka Layton Personal Log June 26th 4566
I am on board the USS Montana heading back to Deep Space 741 after RINZ and I went to his homeworld. It was… Completely and utterly destroyed… I keep asking myself if there was more I could have done but it seems like it was all for naught… He is just as alone as I am now… I hope he finds his family though if they are still alive because it can’t be like this. I can’t be the support he needs when I don’t even know what he is going through. I already lost everyone I cared about when I was brought over here… I had to start life over… Now I have him and Lumiere… Jeane left just like Julian did… Humans and other people seem so… fickle… I guess that is why I get along with Lumi and he so well… I mean their sex is fun and doing things with them is fun but… as people I just… I get along better with them… I want them to feel how much I care but I also want the people who did this to pay for their transgressions; this should not be allowed and if that Jim guy cared he would have not let any of this happen… I know I would be without RINZ if that happened but… his whole world *she tears up* is gone… At least I have Earth even if it is foreign to me and I know no one at least my home still exists… He had told me his race mates to have children… At first I thought I was too young for kids but… now… If I can clean up this world enough… maybe I can teach children how not to be such hateful, despicable worthless pieces of shit… The people behind all of this… deplorable… *she shakes her head*…
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Mar 24, 2017 11:19:48 GMT -8
Yuka Layton Personal Log
Ironically the start of my command of the Lavie seems more like my work in Student Council at Sophez since so many of the people here are even more immature than I am… In spite of all the training and hard work Marcus pulled me through (just like Dale) I managed to learn something, have fun and…. I feel more confident than I was before… I wonder if I will stay true to that though… I’m glad I ended up here though because of all the people I have met… They are pretty cool even if some of them are strange… RINZ and I sort of got married… Why I am saying sort of… That is what happened; partnership or not it is the same thing really… He still is struggling with the loss of his people but I hope my reassuring him and giving him things to do as hobbies has helped him to get past this… It is hard and while I hope I can help him stop the FSF honestly, we cannot undo the past; I only hope he does not blame me… How things have ended up with Lumiere… Really, really strange… One minute she is all supportive and lovey then the next she just… Well she has always said she has this unusual fascination with me since she saw me lose my… virginity… So strange… saying that like I’m embarrassed about it while talking to a computer… It is like I told RINZ though; it is a very personal, private thing… sex shouldn’t just be on display for everyone… I got our orders… I hope we are able to prevent any unneeded loss of life this time around.
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Mar 25, 2017 22:26:19 GMT -8
Yuka Layton Personal Log
I had a wonderful night with Aidan he was so nice and… I really did enjoy myself but he's married… RINZ won't care but… I hope I don't hurt him. People all say I need confidence in myself but what good will that do me if no one pays attention to me. I get it as Captain I'm not supposed to be the crew’s friend but I have emotional needs just like everyone else… does this mean I just need to forget about myself… I had a lot of fun but… I just don't feel right… it all started with a dance and a kiss. We both had been drinking but I still remember it clearly… could I seriously be falling for the guy I just made my XD just because he knows how to court me… I've only ever been with one other guy but… it just seems… like what Lumi said in the beginning… in my momentary weakness and emotional reaction I made myself seem so… slutty. I do wish the men in my life were at arms reach always… maybe if that were the case I wouldn't always end in having sex… sometimes I just want to hold someone close and talk… but it just escalates and… who am I to stop nature… even if I stop babies from happening… That just made me sound more slutty… -_- oy vey… how can I be… I've only been with four people… Julian and I never got to… Jeane and I once… Lumi seduced me… RINZ… obviously… now… Aidan… how can that mean I'm a slut… I'm confused… Sensei you would have the answers I seek… you always did anyway… or maybe relationships are outside of your area of expertise… I'm talking like we had sex… we almost did but… oh… I'm so hopeless sometimes...
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Mar 28, 2017 14:05:06 GMT -8
Yuka Layton Personal Log August 4th 4566
I believe I burned down a bridge… in my foolish attempt to be funny and honest I pissed off Aidan… then I blew up at him. I’m really falling into the stereotype of the emo depressed girl no one wants to be around… my people skills are absolute shit… I didn’t even get to perform for him… I should be less of a fool in my next life… RINZ might not be who I need either… there goes my fairytale romance; I wish this was all easy but I guess just like the rest of my life I have to learn the hard way. I wish I was able to take a week off I didn’t actually get any shore leave… after this is over I want to request an assignment to some Forest filled world where I can just go hide for a while. The closest thing I got to leave was witnessing RINZ Home be annihilated… that’s not exactly restful…
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Apr 3, 2017 23:16:48 GMT -8
Yuka Layton Personal Log August 6th 4566
Even though my life has changed so much I’m still happy. I lost Julian but I gained a friend in RINZ and … a partner in Aidan… I am doing better than I started and hey I command a starship… My life really is not as bad as I make it out to be. I feel like I want to start a band on the ship; I don’t know why and it sounds silly but I think it will be fun!
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Apr 14, 2017 16:25:25 GMT -8
Yuka Layton Personal Log
Well; I guess I can officially call RINZ my ex now… He has decided to take a posting as an Ambassador for his people and to protect them. I sort of… saw it coming though when he went to focus on rescuing them. At first I was bitter and thought he did not care about me. I hope someday he comes back to us but we all agreed; RINZ, Aidan and I that we would save everyone together… If protecting his people from the threat of them being turned into a war machine is his way of protecting others I can’t say there is anything wrong with that and I respect his decision. RINZ; thank you for helping me get this far, for teaching me to believe in myself and for being my first. I hope you’ll never forget me because I won’t ever forget you in all your curiosity that made me fall in love with you for the short time we were together. Love you always and good luck on your journeys; may you find peace for you and your people.
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Apr 20, 2017 19:48:12 GMT -8
Yuka Layton August 10 4566 Personal Log
Kalvan is Kirin… How in the crap… This universe just gets even more strange as time goes on. I will have to talk to him about this sooner than later… On the plus side Aidan and I are getting married… after another of my stupid moments of not thinking I told him I wanted other girls. We got into an argument. I confessed that I feel he is my soulmate and wouldn't ever go off and do that to him. I then proposed… He proposed earlier in the day but after the fight I felt I needed to renew my commitment to him. Defender is strange on another note… Persephone Larson seems like a nice girl… even if she did try to kill me… Lastly… PUPPIES!
Post by ~ Atsumari ~ on Jul 13, 2017 11:59:53 GMT -8
Yuka Layton August 21 4566
I really don't know... The love of my previous life after Julian; Emily came back into my life but now I'm faced with the possibility of losing Aidan... through my own actions. I don't want to lose either of them and I value my relationship with him just as much as I do her but I feel like I may be forced to choose. I want to marry him and I want to have his child but I want to be with her as well... then I sort of forced him into my wanting to be with her but I feel like I've done a reversible damage. I wish there were something I could ask for advice on this especially after having a breakdown when I told him that I wanted time to figure out where things will go... The doctor said that it's due to all the stress I've been put under with everything as a whole under my taking command. I believe I may have to see the psychiatrist again and that that will put me in jeopardy of losing everything I've gained here. I really don't know what I should do... should I try to make it work between the both of us or should I stay with him... I desperately want to marry him and I want to have his child but I want to show her what she means to meet too... this is far from a fairytale... I only wish the stuff for easier but that's life I guess. I have been putting on medical leave for at least two days and honestly probably longer especially if I'm not cleared by Dr. Shindler. I love you Aidan... please don't leave me... Emily... I love you and want you by my side but I don't know... I just... i'm sorry to you both...
Sirus died and even if he is an extreme perv I bet I could've asked him for advice but since he's gone... I doubt Ross would be of much help... Who should I talk to... I need advice but I don't want this to end up on any official record will end up making me look worse... Lumi does not have enough experience and Sakura... her advice would likely be useless... Sarissa... do Vulcans even have open relationships... Maybe... No... Dom... No... or... I don't think he would write it down would he... I guess... he's going through his own life struggles... maybe I should talk to him... it might not be appropriate but I need advice...